Is Church A Gendered Space?

I've always gotten along well with boys. I feel at ease talking with them normally, and when respect is mutual I feel comfortable. Often, I feel less pressure being around guys, and prefer being around them over girls. As a moody young teen at the age of thirteen, I had already been subjected to many gendered spaces. The homeschool community flourishes with gendered activities, spaces, and stereotypes. But, I first noticed this when my family started attending a Baptist church, and I regularly attended a youth service. Walking in the first time, I saw that boys sat on one side of the room, and girls on the other. I'm not in the least confident about my body, and wasn't then either, so I went to sit with the people I felt would least judge me... the guys. That got shut down fast. Rapidly, three or four mentors rushed to my side to "address" my wrongdoing. "Honey, you're on the wrong side." "That side's for boys, you're not a boy, sit on the right side." That was when I first comprehended that there were spaces for boys, and spaces for girls. Intermixing wasn't encouraged, Throughout the year I was there, the guys would crowd into one corner, and the girls likewise. The games we played as a whole were girls versus guys, and our lessons were separated by gender. My church experience was a gendered one. Wednesday night was "guys night", and girls had a night of their own. We were both encouraged to worship and follow the same God, but we were kept apart. 

Every church I have ever attended, a male pastor leads, refers to the males directly and overlooks the women. It was my first realization that religious spaces, spaces that should be open and free to everyone, are separated and gendered. This is a reason why I am a feminist. Men and women are said to be treated equally in these spaces, but the idea of equal opportunity is giving girls what girls are expected to grow up and attain... being a mother? Once during a marriage lesson at that Baptist church, a mentor asked who I wanted to marry, and I answered with "I'm going to marry my career," and she cried. I remember when my mom wouldn't buy me a green bible because it was the "boys bible", and that I needed to get the purple sparkly bible with a crown on it. 

The next church I went to, I volunteered in the kindergarten department, and during worship I again saw this separation of boys and girls. Half the play area had firefighter costumes and plastic power tools and the other half had baby dolls and cooking tools. Everything was kept separate. While the church classroom was the same room, there was an obvious divide. Church screams for children to stay in their own gendered category. 

Church is a gendered space, and the ones I have attended are not inclusive. It is one building housing two very distinct clubs. I believe that religious spaces are often gendered, that they stifle growth and encourage us to follow stereotypical patterns of behavior. This "you think pink" type of mentality forces children to judge the world without appreciating difference. By making these places strict and rule based, children see themselves as so different from the other gender. This disappoints me, as I have a close friend who feels he cannot express himself based off of the stereotype that men cannot show emotion or weakness. These ideas are perpetuated through religious places, parents, school, and the media. We need to attack these ideas and focus on understanding each other and not separating based on something that hardly means anything. My friend suffers from severe depression, and while I as a girl have a bit more leeway to express my depression, he doesn't. He is mocked and told that he needs to "man up".  

So, I noticed a common gendered space that commonly goes unnoticed, and also sadly untouched. If we could mix up children everywhere, we could see more collaboration and harmony. Many children go to church, and some only to church and not to school (or a gender separated school). Overcoming this could help inspire us to notice our similarities and not our differences. 

eat mor chikin

In 2000 9.7 billion animals were killed for food (credit). An average of 18,032 cows are killed each day for food, the U.S. Department of Agriculture found in 2013 (credit). The Meat Institute found that in 2014 poultry and meat sales totaled $186 billion in the U.S. These staggering results exist because Americans love their food. We see meat advertised, the theme of summer get together with friends, and pushed on children when first in Kindergarten "eat your meat honey, its good for you!" Meat is pushed just as is dairy because it has "a lot" of calcium and fluoride because it makes your teeth stronger. We don't really think much of what we consume usually, just chow down that tasty burger we see Kendall Jenner rave about, or can't get our act together enough to actually cook something healthy.

I was a hideously sympathetic preteen, as I took it upon myself to influence the the numbers of animals killed by becoming vegan... and I kept it up for two years. Now, I don't recommend this for the faint of heart, and YouTubers like Onision certainly mean it when they say it'll help you lose weight. I don't think I'll be able to eat another chickpea vegan patty again after their daily occurrence on my plate.

 Now, I choose to not eat any sort of sea animal even now, especially the lobster; partially because these "giant sea-insects" - as David Foster Wallace so eloquently puts it - look exactly what their name means, and partially cause I am an aspiring sea life collector with wild aspirations to own all the sea pancakes in the ocean. TBH also a lobsters antenna and beady eyes gives me more of a moral conflict than lying to my mom about cleaning my room does.

Americans just mindlessly chow down food mindlessly "as an à la carte entrée, lobster can be baked, broiled, steamed, grilled, sautéed, stir-fried, or microwaved. The most common method, though, is boiling. If you’re someone who enjoys having lobster at home, this is probably the way you do it, since boiling is so easy. " We have recipes, books, videos, and TV channels dedicated to teaching us how to consume meat. I don't think we are fully aware of how much we just eat. We make consuming these dead creatures and easier, cheaper and cheaper, faster and faster.  I mean, isn't eating dead creatures gross? Be aware, realize tofu is actually amazing (I mean seriously, like alternative food is lit, have you tried So Delicious ice cream? It is heavenly).

I don't think either extremes are great. I think we should be healthy, eat meat to make our bodies stronger and better equipped for handling the stresses of life. Also, I think we need to be self aware, and realize that animals need to be handled responsibly and that our consumerist behavior is going to mess up the environment even more than it already has. Humans naturally consume, but if we can fight back and stop eating the chicken from WalMart and try Whole Foods or something, I think we can influence how animals are treated.

so what is normal?

Affection and love go hand and hand. When you love someone, you hug them; when you are attracted to someone, you kiss them. Families often are expected to be affectionate, passionate, and caring towards one another. The picture perfect little family is one where its members share both physical and emotional affections. I think that we think the more people hug, the more people are close and the more they love each other. We signify touch with trust.

In Manning's relationship with his father, we see love expressed in an unusual and uncertain way. Manning's father isn't one to "[write] me cards and letters when I was away from home," but instead was one to show his love from a distance. His mother was more emotionally affectionate than his father was. His father wasn't lovey dovey, emotional or sappy. People put too much trust in the Focus on The Family family model. I know that when I was homeschooled, my parents put much effort into being that physically and emotionally affectionate family, but as public school approached we gave up as reality set in. We love each other, but we give each other our distance. Perhaps this is due to age, or perhaps it is because my mother decided our family isn't perfect and left us in peace.

It is often frowned upon when people hear that my parents haven't slept together in 10 years. They love each other, and care for each other, they just decide to express it their own way. I think that was the point of "Arm Wrestling with My Father" is that love can be expressed in a myriad of ways. We need to open our eyes to a new type of normal.

When I googled "The Perfect Family" the results were surprisingly uniform. Every picture had a father, a mother, and children... all embracing and smiling. I've asked my mother what she wants for me in my future, and she most frequently says "you know, I want you to be happy, have a nice family, good husband," I don't understand how we attribute happiness with a specific type of family. Chasing this impossible model will only lead to dissatisfaction.